Anybody may blame me who likes, when I add further, that, now andthen, when I took a walk by myself in the grounds; when I went down tothe gates and looked through them along the road; or when, while Adeleplayed with her nurse, and Mrs. Fairfax made jellies in the storeroom,I climbed the three staircases, raised the trap-door of the attic, andhaving reached the leads, looked out afar over sequestered field andhill, and along dim sky-line- that then I longed for a power of visionwhich might overpass that limit; which might reach the busy world,towns, regions full of life I had heard of but never seen- that then Idesired more of practical experience than I possessed; more ofintercourse with my kind, of acquaintance with variety of character,than was here within my reach. I valued what was good in Mrs. Fairfax,and what was good in Adele; but I believed in the existence of otherand more vivid kinds of goodness, and what I believed in I wished tobehold.。，
'On to the leads; will you come and see the view from thence?' Ifollowed still, up a very narrow staircase to the attics, and thenceby a ladder and through a trap-door to the roof of the hall. I was nowon a level with the crow colony, and could see into their nests.Leaning over the battlements and looking far down, I surveyed thegrounds laid out like a map: the bright and velvet lawn closelygirdling the grey base of the mansion; the field, wide as a park,dotted with its ancient timber; the wood, dun and sere, divided by apath visibly overgrown, greener with moss than the trees were withfoliage; the church at the gates, the road, the tranquil hills, allreposing in the autumn day's sun; the horizon bounded by apropitious sky, azure, marbled with pearly white. No feature in thescene was extraordinary, but all was pleasing. When I turned from itand repassed the trap-door, I could scarcely see my way down theladder; the attic seemed black as a vault compared with that arch ofblue air to which I had been looking up, and to that sunlit scene ofgrove, pasture, and green hill, of which the hall was the centre,and over which I had been gazing with delight.。， There was one in the room; Bessie went and opened it, and thenasked me to sit down and give her a tune: I played a waltz or two, andshe was charmed.
'No.'。， Close by Miss Temple's bed, and half covered with its whitecurtains, there stood a little crib. I saw the outline of a form underthe clothes, but the face was hid by the hangings: the nurse I hadspoken to in the garden sat in an easy-chair asleep; an unsnuffedcandle burnt dimly on the table. Miss Temple was not to be seen: Iknew afterwards that she had been called to a delirious patient in thefever-room. I advanced; then paused by the crib side: my hand was onthe curtain, but I preferred speaking before I withdrew it. I stillrecoiled at the dread of seeing a corpse.
'It's her, I am sure!- I could have told her anywhere!' cried theindividual who stopped my progress and took my hand.。， 'A new servitude! There is something in that,' I soliloquised(mentally, be it understood; I did not talk aloud). 'I know thereis, because it does not sound too sweet; it is not like such wordsas Liberty, Excitement, Enjoyment: delightful sounds truly; but nomore than sounds for me; and so hollow and fleeting that it is merewaste of time to listen to them. But Servitude! That must be matter offact. Any one may serve: I have served here eight years; now all Iwant is to serve elsewhere. Can I not get so much of my own will? Isnot the thing feasible? Yes- yes- the end is not so difficult; if Ihad only a brain active enough to ferret out the means of attainingit.'
'All those top-knots must be cut off.'。， Sundays were dreary days in that wintry season. We had to walktwo miles to Brocklebridge Church, where our patron officiated. We setout cold, we arrived at church colder: during the morning service webecame almost paralysed. It was too far to return to dinner, and anallowance of cold meat and bread, in the same penurious proportionobserved in our ordinary meals, was served round between the services.
，。， From the day she left I was no longer the same: with her was goneevery settled feeling, every association that had made Lowood insome degree a home to me. I had imbibed from her something of hernature and much of her habits: more harmonious thoughts: what seemedbetter regulated feelings had become the inmates of my mind. I hadgiven in allegiance to duty and order; I was quiet; I believed I wascontent: to the eyes of others, usually even to my own, I appeared adisciplined and subdued character.